A Craig’s List Comeback from the 80s

Back in the 1980s when yours truly attended (an all boys) high school, among other things like parachute pants, clogs, skinny ties, and Sun-in, mother jokes (insults) were all the rage. The vernacular had morphed from a simpler late 70’s state  (“Ya mama”) to a more elaborate one (“That’s not what your mother said last night”) in the 80’s. Our Franciscan mentors spent a good deal of time attempting to dissuade us from the jibes at each other’s maternal units. Though no malice was ever truly intended, we ran the risk of the shame and embarrassment (and hopefully remorse) of launching such a salvo on an unfortunate young man whose mother happened to be deceased. (This of course led to typical responses of “My mother’s dead, you asshole!” even when it was patently untrue.)

While I doubt would-be scammers on the world’s most popular classifieds site would take time to respond, retaliate or even read past the first mention of the word “mother”, I still plan on responding to the next scam attempt in true high school fashion. As I sadly couldn’t locate the most recent scam attempt to swindle me out of $150*, I’ll have to rely on this handy example provided by Craig’s List’s scam examples page:

Thanks for your mail,Since the cost of your bike is $800 i just contacted my client about the cost of your bike and it present condition and he said there is no problem about that. So my client said he will be issuing you a Certified Check of $4000 while you wire 3000 to me through Western Union Money Trasfer and you deduct the cost of your bike $800 and keep the remaining $200 which my client said you should take for the terms of Transaction and Agreement between you and my client.So i will like you to send me your full contact information to where my client will be sending you the Certified Check like this:
> name………
> full address………….
> city……………
> state………….
> country……….
> zipcode…………
> cell/office/home phone number…………………..
I will look forward to the requested information as soon as possible so that the check can be sent out to you immediately. And do get back to me with the Pics of the bike so tha! t my client will be Able to see What he is paying off.Get back to me immediately. Looking torwards your
respond,
Best Regards.

Now the horrific grammar/syntax/spelling is the result of a combination of poor education, non-English speakers, and/or attempts to slip through spam filters. Despite the egregious affront to the English language, of course I will take the extra $200! So here will be my response to the next one, dredged deep from my eighties time capsule:

Greetings!
Thank you for the kind offer of an extra $200! I will gladly accept. Here is my contact info as you requested:
> name – Mr. Richard Hertz
> full address – 69 Kamanawanna Leia Way
> city – Honolulu
> state HI
> country USA
> zipcode – 90210
> cell/office/home phone number – 716-867-5309
I would like to include one additional condition to our agreement: That I am allowed to have sex with your mother prior to the cash transaction. And by sex, I mean whatever is defined by the term in MY OWN PERSONAL DICTIONARY. So please provide her address at your earliest convenience. If she happens to be deceased, please provide me with the location and plot number of her grave so that I may unearth her. I promise to put her back. (In the event that she was cremated, please ship her to the address above in packaging of your choice  and include return shipping. The contents may be somewhat “altered” upon return.)
Best Regards,
Dick 

*There appears to be a $100-$150 threshold for scamming. In this case, a pretty nice Epson printer.